Monday, August 23, 2004

Sorry to Have Bothered You

[The original post has been restored. An East Tennessee news-blogger had linked to this the morning I posted it, sending throngs of gawkers wanting to stare at the blog burnout. It pissed me off, as the following was intended for regular readers, not the slack-jawed types who slow down to gape with dull, round-eyed wonder. It's been a while now since that happened, so I'm restoring it for those of you who wanted to know what happened to me. Thanks for all your emails.]

I had one of those long dark nights of the soul over the weekend. The upshot of it is that I'm suspending the blog for a while. I don't know for how long. I'm not even sure if I'm quitting, although the temptation is strong to say so. I feel I should tell people this time so you won't keep dropping in wondering what's going on and where I've disappeared to this time.

I was given one of those panoramic views of my self and my life that makes you realise just who you are. One of those clear-eyed, pitiless and unsparing overviews. The word I settled on to describe it all is "disappointing." I am a constant disappointment, great potential always unrealised. Have been my whole life; will be for the rest of it. It was humiliating.

Anyway, my self-appointed task with this blog was to counter the actions of dozens (hundreds!) of folks who daily labor in their jobs in the local media and government. It's a constant for me: my ego demands to make a point and, having barely made it, loses interest. I push up briefly from the grey plain of depression until I tire, then gravity pulls me back down.

I do this blog as a part-time thing, for no money and little recognition (No one has ever hit the tip jar in all the time it's been up there.), for slivers of respect and dollops of disdain. I'm just some guy with a website. I don't know much more than the average Joe or Jane here in Memphis. And yet I'm more than happy to tell paid, credentialed, experienced people how to do their jobs. Who the hell am I to think that? No one, that's who. A loser with too much ego and not enough discipline or ambition to back it up.

I'm tired, bitter. I'm a fraud, a dilettante. I don't have the discipline to do this. I'm once again in way over my depth and humiliating myself. I should've stopped before I started.

I'll leave you alone now.