Me Too

Mark over at Conservative Zone asks an unflinching question: "Am I Weak?" He was in a bad place yesterday and he shows you just what living with mental illness means in the day-to-day world. I saw him the day before and he was in a normalish place, so reading about this was unpleasant.

And that's how mental illness is. My problem is depression. Not the suicidal kind, not any more, but the endless-grey-plain kind. Life is something I endure. I joke sometimes that I'm lucky to be an atheist. Since I don't believe in an afterlife there's nothing to look forward to, no motivation or promise to cross over to. This is the only life I'll get, as screwed up as it is, and so suicide makes no sense. When I die, it's over. There's also some little bit of hope floating in the back of my mind that keeps me from checking out. That and no afterlife.

That's why I disappear sometimes. I just pull back and disconnect; pull into myself and wonder when it'll get better. Eventually, I either guilt myself back into the blog (gotta satisfy you readers) or I find something I have to write about and that starts me back on the blog. But I'll still find myself being pulled back into the cocoon, invariably. It's hard to fight, and when I lose I get pulled away.

Folks don't always understand these kinds of mental illness. My best example would be diarrhea. Remember the last time you had it. Now, imagine me standing before you saying, "Just hold it in! You could if you wanted to! Snap out of it." You'd think I was nuts, right? You have to go. It can't be stopped no matter what you think. That's a bit what depression, and alcoholism, are like.

I wish I had a better job so I could afford the insurance to get medicated. I'd like to see what might help. But a better-paying job means more stress, which sets off the depression, which makes it hard for me to hold down the job, etc. Vicious circle. And I take stories like Mark's as cautionary tales; I also have friends on various drugs for various reasons and I don't like their descriptions of the experience, for the most part.

So, I slog on. One day after another. End upon end. I've had better times, and that's the hope I hang on to. About fifteen years ago, I got some help on other problems and went on an "up" that lasted nearly a decade. It enabled me to work full-time and go to school full-time. I finally got my degree. Then, about five years ago, I started to slide. I've been on this low plateau ever since. No real deep downs, but not many highs either. They are transitory. I've considered that I might be a very-long-term bipolar disorder type, but I really think I'm just depressed.

One day I'll start back on an upswing. I just wish it would GET HERE! Know what I mean? Meantime, just keep shouldering on, Mark. You're not alone.