I Am Bereft

It's been a day and a half now and still no sign of Bennie, my cat. No hint of her around the neighborhood, no sound, nothing.

I take some heart from kafir memphian's comment down below that she may just be ramblin' around, but it's not her nature. She's a massive 'fraidy cat. If she's out front and a truck rolls down the street, she bolts for the living room to stare out the door until all's clear. When I leave the kitchen door open, she hides behind it and peeks her head out first before coming outside.

It's the uncertainty that is killing me, and the thought that she may be (or have been) in danger or distress somewhere, and I am not able to help her. The image of her crying out like a kitten for mommy, alone and afraid, injured or dying, tears me up.

She's a very quiet cat, but it's still too quiet around here. She takes up a psychic space, I guess you could call it, and the emptiness echoes. Now that she's not here underfoot, I can stride confidently around the place, but feel clumsy nonetheless, anticipating something that doesn't come. I came out of the shower this morning and there was no Bennie running around my legs, rubbing up against the dripping water on my legs. I laid in bed last night and there was no Bennie coming around the corner on night patrol, no Bennie pawing at my nose to open up the covers and let her get under them.

Like I said on her page, she chose me. She crawled out from under a shrub and wouldn't let me leave until I took her along. We've been constant companions for the last five years. Now, for her to walk away (if that's what happened) feels like rejection. And I don't take emotional betrayal very well at all. Even from a cat.

I've thought (because I am a paranoid freak, after all) that one of the drug people might have taken and killed her, as a warning or message to me to stop snooping and snitching. (I'm not, but drug people are aggressively defensive about their business.) But without her corpse left where I can get the message that doesn't make much sense. More likely she just wandered off and met an unfortunate end.

See? This is what uncertainty does to me. I hate it. Bennie and I had a simple, secure, stable relationship. It was very comforting, if occasionally frustrating. Now, I got nothing and don't know why. I'm bouncing around between anger, resignation, despair, sadness and a few other emotions.

I do not like this at all, and there's nothing I can do.